Well, fuck.

Last month I got very, very close to landing a dream job.  A job at a very high caliber company, doing work that I like and am skilled at, for and with cool people.  I didn’t get the job but I was satisfied with the process (mostly) and that whoever got the job was probably awesome. I just found out from a friend that someone who is the opposite of what I seek to be, professionally, just got a job at the great company, which means it is possible that she got the job I did not get.

I don’t want to be angry about this but… fuck this. Fuck it so much.

I’m thinking and thinking and trying not to get all wrapped up in this upset. I’ve said out loud, but not in this space, that I want to quit this career path.  It sort of sucks. Work is sparse, so I could get a new job in the space but would have to relocate, which I don’t want to do. Family is here and leaving family is not desirable right now. I am working on two separate new careers. One in voice over work and the other in personal training.

So why am I mad about not getting that job? Why am I mad about what a person in a career that doesn’t make me happy and that I am planning to leave got a job in that career? It’s because I am afraid of the uncertainty around changing jobs at this point in my life (sole earner, mortgage, child and partner that I support). I told my husbeast the other day that I was afaid simply because I have no idea what failure looks like or is or means in any way. If I knew what even failure looked like it would be less scary.

I am angry that I don’t have an excuse for putting off actions about which I am terrified, that I don’t have “well, I’ll put in a couple of years because this is such a great opportunity” as an out for not getting my act together to pursue the change I desire. I want someone to make my decisions for me and maybe I need to accept that they are. They aren’t giving me these excuse/jobs, they are kicking me onto the path I’ve said I want to travel.

The theme of 2015 is “Be afraid, do it anyway.”