The theme of my life right now is Sovereignty.
I watched a short internet video the other day on witchy things and this witch said the heart and root and beginning of the practice is sovereignty, sovereignty over the self. For me right now this means exploring “What is truly within my control?”
There’s a lot that’s genuinely outside my control. You don’t control your whole reality, that’s nonsense. We do control many, many things and we especially can have strong control over perspective. I have the gift of being slow, which means that I have always had to create a definition of success and victory that has nothing to do with how I place or my speed. My victories are process victories, discipline, and perseverance victories. that I decide how to feel about. No one, and especially not the negative voices in my head, gets to tell me how to feel about a race.
I was telling someone the other night that I used to hate my race photos because I would look at my race photos with the eye that has been taught to judge my imperfections, to judge me based on conventional ideas about what bodies are worthy of being seen and how. I decided to change the way I view my race photos. I stopped looking at my body and I started remembering the way I felt when the photograph was taken. When this photo was taken did I feel strong, did I feel victorious, did I feel smooth? When I look at that photo I choose to see the feeling and then I look at that body and I look at the person and I don’t say “Oh there’s a muffin top” or “oof, cellulite,” I say “That is a person who is having fun, that is a picture of achievement. That is a picture of victory and success.”
I went out to race today. I said I would “event.” I was very, very undertrained. In previous years I have had great success having my first open water swim of the year at a race. This was not that year. I haven’t been in the open water in what feels like years. I was very happy the night before the race to find out that the swim was 600 meters, not 800 meters. I was triply happy that it was 600 when I was on the absolute struggle bus in the water today. I couldn’t get my face in the water for at least the first half of the swim. It was body panic. I had not trained for the cold or for the taste. I hadn’t trained in any open water, much less ocean water. That’s on me, I know better.
I was very close to pulling the plug not even a hundred yards in. I couldn’t get going, I couldn’t get my face in and I was so frustrated and upset. I had been so anxious all morning. I cried in the car on the drive in, I cried at the registration table, I cried on the beach. The last few years the pre-race anxiety for triathlons specifically has been pretty massive. I know that my anxiety comes from disconnection and stories of unsafety. I was driving up highway 17 in the dark and I didn’t know if I would start the race, I didn’t know if I would ever do another triathlon as I was telling my self over and over that I was safe to try to get my body to calm down.
I love women’s races because when I was at registration two people checking me in came out and hugged me and told me that I would do great and that I would be ok. I saw people from my club (shout out OTC!) and they were there for me and asked what I needed, the people at my rack were there for me. I have begun explaining to people near me that I have bad pre-race anxiety and the best thing is to talk to someone and so many strangers said ok and were there for me. The woman on the beach who took my shoes to the swim exit and the two women who helped my put on my wetsuit because I hadn’t worn it in years and it was dry and stiff and I was panicking because I got going late this morning and instead of thirty minutes to put on my wetsuit I had ten. The anxiety was sky high this morning and it used to disappear when I hit the water but I hadn’t trained open water so it transformed. And I had my period and one of my friends died on Thursday so my body was already stressed. (Note: Oh Rachel, honey, you ask so much of yourself).
This was my worst triathlon swim ever in terms of time. It took me 30 minutes to swim 600 minutes. It was a mixture of not quite breaststroke and trying to do ten strokes of front crawl. It was at least halfway until I could find some type of calm. I felt out of breath because I wasn’t used to the pressure of the wetsuit on my chest. I did get some good yards in and I did not get pulled out of the water. The hard days can give the greatest sense of achievement and that was very true today.
Then I knew I was going to take it beyond easy. I had already planned to but this was another level. I walked out of the water nice and slow. Took my time taking off the wetsuit and then walked most of the way to transition because it was close to half a mile! Uphill!! Brutal. Nice and easy transition, making sure everything was in order. I didn’t try any heroics around having my shoes on the bike when I mounted, just walked it over in my cleats and got going.
Got out on the course and it was great. Felt good, knew that there was a run later so I didn’t push to conquer any of the climbs. It was rolling which meant conservative on the uphills and taking all the free speed possible on the downhills. I was a three loop course which meant there was a lot of traffic. It was encouraging traffic. Everyone was riding nicely, the volunteers were great at cheering for us. It was 60’s, overcast, no rain. Perfect weather. The same woman dropped her chain in front of me twice and I stopped to fix it both times. After the second time I gave her a lesson in shifting. She had a second hand bike that was way too small for her and she was cross chaining. She was shifting under load on the climbs which was dropping the chain.
I had the lonely lap because I was so far back out of the swim, almost everyone was done with the bike well before me. When there was a lot of traffic with lots of inexperienced cyclists on some of the downhills I couldn’t get all of the speed I wanted. On the third lap it was thinned out and I was able to let it rip. By then I as comfortable with the terrain so I was taking almost all the descents in the aero bars, I got to use my biggest gear which was fun because I don’t get to use those very often. Spent well over half the race in aero, climbed in aero, cornered in aero, really worked to justify having the race bike. Bike comfort and kit comfort were great. I actually tested my race kit out (see I do actually know how to prepare for a race ;P) and it was perfect, which means that it didn’t register at all. Nutrition and hydration were great, I came off the bike feeling great. Then I walked my T2 (sorry KJ, don’t tell the kids!).
The lesson of the day is that Humility is a Gift. Humility is not self abasement, it is not self hate. Humility is seeing things as they are. I had the idea to wear my watch on the inside of my wrist so it would be easier to see the face while I was riding. I was in the first lap of the bike when I realized that my watch had stopped. With my watch on the inside, every time I hit a big enough bump it would stop or start my watch or hit the lap button. It eventually lapped me out of the entire race on my watch. Many people know that I LOVE my workout numbers. Is it even a workout if you don’t have all the numbers?!?!? and I have no workout numbers for this race. The data in the workout record is garbage, my heart rate monitor didn’t pair with the watch and it was great because I just started laughing at myself and my cleverness. No power numbers, no heart rate, just smiling and racing happy.
Humility is seeing what is without pretense or agenda. I had a difficult swim and as I was swimming I thought back to the Rachel 16 years ago and her first triathlon and that swim, and every hard swim. I have lost fitness, I haven’t lost heart or the strength to do hard things and see them through. I have the tools to get though what comes. I finished that swim, I finished the bike happy. Sorted out my watch for the run and went on course with no expectations, just joy.
It was a slow run to start. There was a downhill and then a big uphill. It took a while to get into the running and when that happened my body remembered that we run ultramarathons. We are slow and once we get going we don’t stop. I was comfortable and ticking over at a quicker pace than I expected. I ran the whole thing after the initial climb, including the beach section (yay running on the sand /s). I finished strong and happy. Shout out to Donna from the run and all the great people I met today.
I don’t go to races because I think I’m going to win them in terms of placement. I go to win in terms of personal achievement. I don’t always know what the personal achievement is going to be when I am at the start line and sometimes not at the finish line. It was the hardest swim that I have had in 15 years. I did not stop. I cried and was upset and frustrated and I finished under my own power. Everything was golden after that. Every time it was easy to get into aero, every time I handled the course a bit better, every time I realized I didn’t notice the running because it was so easy. That I’m the person who cheers for everyone. I had a great day. I was crying this morning in the car wondering if this was the last time I would do this because I was so anxious and so upset and it felt so horrible. Those feelings passed because they are not permanent and they are based on stories that are not true. I finished today elated and eager to race again.
Not the day I expected to have, a great day nonetheless. A victorious day.
The race was very. very well organized. Course markings, volunteers, intersection control, aid stations. 10/10 support and logistics. Would race again.
